Wednesday Jan 19, 2022

Rejection! Whoops, that hurts!

Rejection: How do you feel? Like a bee sting? A dog bite? A poisonous snake bite?

If you are single and in the dating market, rejection comes with territory! The only way to know if someone wants to date you or chase things is to ask! And it is by asking that you are open to rejection.

In recent weeks, I’ve been reminded how fear of rejection can be a roadblock for men in the dating and relationship arena. Four professionals have trusted me with their secret! Basically, they all said, “It’s very difficult to get close to a woman, even one that I’m really interested in meeting. I’m afraid of being rejected.” Everyone loves women, but they believe that they are still single and they don’t really get ‘out there’ because rejection and disappointment are hard to deal with. Or if they go out, they say it feels like walking on eggshells or entering a lion’s den, neither of which are easy or fun to do! They told me “I’m scared!”

I understand! It is a big problem having to face the disappointment of ‘no’. It’s hard to cope with feeling hurt, recover, and try again. After a while, it seems easier to stop trying than to face another ‘no thanks’. Yes, in the 21st century, the old ‘fear of rejection’ is still one of the biggest obstacles for many kids. You are one of them?

Women, take note! Men love women. They love being with women. They love how we look, smell, hear and feel. We light their fires and set them down, and they love every minute of it. They want to be with us and connect with us intimately, yet before we exchange a ‘hello’ we scare them, maybe even intimidate them! Yes! Adult grown men, they fear we will reject them and it still hurts, just like when they were younger. Add a little compassion to the picture.

Many men who are ‘shy’ simply do not ask, do not initiate, do not make a move or try because they are afraid of the disappointment of ‘no’.

Hi guys! On the other hand, women are eager and eager for you to take the first step! Even in the 21st century, women want you to take control and initiate the first contact, the first date, the first kiss. They are not shy or mysterious. Women want you to ‘be the man’ so they can be ‘the girl’!

What is the fear of rejection?

It is a way of thinking about yourself that is disproportionate and depends on what other people think of you. It’s a type of negative self-talk that puts you on a downward spiral anticipating and waiting for an upcoming event or situation to go wrong – before it happens! Instead of the glass being half full, it is half empty and drains quickly!

The fear of rejection can be attributed to low self-esteem, that is, when you don’t think you are good enough. Over a period of time, you have put the value of other people’s opinion over your own and have failed to maintain your integrity and self-respect. It is a loss of your own identity and, consequently, a loss of confidence and your capabilities. It is a slow process and occurs over time. As you value what others think of you more than what you believe and think yourself, you end up losing your true identity. You are not living the life you want.

Does it matter where it comes from?

There can be literally hundreds of reasons why you feel this way. Perhaps from some early childhood trauma, an adolescent experience combined with moments in his adult life when he has had to deal with a “no” and a disappointment.

Truth be told, it doesn’t really matter where your fear of rejection comes from, unless you are totally immobilized and need the help of a mental health professional, such as a psychologist for therapy or a psychiatrist for medications.

I don’t want to sound soulless, but you are an adult now, not a small child or teenager with no experience in life. Get over “where it came from” and get on your way to do something about it. Knowing why you feel this way or where it comes from will not change the way you deal with it. Not! It is the action you take to eliminate this from your life that will ultimately make a difference.

What can happen?

Over time, the fear of rejection can cause you to become increasingly isolated and less able to take risks, even in low- or no-risk situations. You can get depressed, the clinical type of depression that may require mental health intervention, because the world around you has gotten so bleak and even a little scary!

Fear of rejection can turn off potential coincidences. It is not a quality of attraction! People want to be with people who don’t stop when the light is green!

You’re passive? Is avoidance mode easy for you? Are you not speaking or expressing your ideas and opinions, especially when you have a different idea or thought? Do you take the easy route and just keep quiet or try to avoid any conflict or disagreement? Do you lack the courage to deal with people directly? Do you avoid ‘exposing yourself to the dating world? Have you become more and more inflexible, rigid, and even closed to new experiences? These are all actual and potential consequences of the fear of rejection, and none of them will attract the right person into your life.

If you want to be in the dating and relationship world and be the most attractive person you can be, you will have to learn to face your fear of rejection head-on!

! Your answer is important!

Ladies! When you are interested in a man, I know that you put your soft, gentle and approachable side. Their rough edges fade and their communication, both verbal and non-verbal, is welcoming, open, and respectful.

When you are not interested in a man, you often have more difficulty with this exchange. This is what I highly recommend. Put your compassionate side on. Remember that a man just expressed interest in you. He wants to know you better. Your compassionate side says, “Thank you so much for asking me / getting close to me / taking a chance with me. I appreciate it, but I’m not interested.” That’s! It’s that easy.

You can walk away feeling good about your exchange and he walks away thinking to himself, “She is a classy lady.”

Kind! What to do with your fear?

The first step is to be honest with yourself that you have gotten into this situation. Take ownership of your negative thinking. Think about it, if you get a flat tire on the side of the road, don’t just sit there doing nothing. Instead, jump into action to fix it! The same should be true about this.

Second, take an assertive communication class to learn effective communication skills. Practice speaking and saying what you think. Relationships are built on meaningful and effective communication. The ability to express what you think and feel starts a great relationship and keeps the embers alight! If you can’t be open and honest from the start, you’re doomed to troubled waters.

Third, get out of your locked in life. The fear of rejection is the fear of the unknown and of not being in control of all aspects of your life. You may think that you lead a very cosmopolitan life, but fear limits your opportunities and possibilities. It stops you in advance and closes the door to possibilities and opportunities. Instead, create new opportunities to be and experience people. Create possibilities to communicate and talk with others. Practice reaching out and starting a conversation and swapping with new people. The more practice you have, the more confident you will feel and act.

Fourth, be true to yourself and how you really feel and think. Your authentic self is much sexier and more attractive than the ‘fake’. Always return to who you are by default! People are drawn to your authentic and natural side. If you are faced with a situation that scares you, even a little bit, acknowledge the feeling and move on! Their open and expressive recognition takes the punch out of fear, rather than fueling it.

Finally, if someone rejects or says ‘no thanks’, you are in the same position you were in before asking, with the exception that now you know how the other person feels and thinks, you will no longer have to guess or do the role of psychic. Better to know than to live in a world of riddles.

Being attractive to the opposite sex always starts from the inside. The truth is that what really matters is what you think, feel and believe. Don’t let fear of rejection keep you from living the life you want.

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